My Life Is A Mess

Ever since my sweet Shepherd was born things have felt out of control. Like I'm on this roller coaster, racing through the twists and turns of life at full speed. Unable to even scream because I'm so out of breath. All I can do is grasp for the bar in front of me, and hang on. I've felt more ups and downs in the last six months than in the last nine years.

The dips in the roller coaster have included the passing of one of the most important, amazing, inspirational, encouraging men I've ever known. If there's ever been anyone who showed me Jesus in a complete and beautiful way, he was it. I've had such a rough time dealing with his death and even today, five months later, it still doesn't feel real.

The little stresses of life...financial struggles, the need for still more schooling for my husband, the behavior of my kids I've handled amazingly well. But it's this deep loss that still cuts at my soul.

I'm figuring out that to parent four kids seven and under you just need to embrace the chaos. I repeat that phrase over and over some days. Loud dinners, like last night, where three of the four kids are screaming at the table. Fighting among siblings that results in hitting and biting. So much dirty laundry. So. much. I can't control everything, get everything done, meet every need the second it needs me. I just can't. So why stress about it??

Little things, that used to make me crazy, now show me the beauty in this little life of mine. Other things like a good smelling baby. Sister being sweet to brother. Eating a hot dinner. These are the sweet things life is made of.

I've deemed this summer the summer of FUN. I need it. I need the crazy, late night laughter. I need the van packed with a bunch of beach junk, hauling it out to the sand, sitting the crispy, salty air until we're exhausted. I need my family to feel connected.

I need this beautiful mess. Letting go of ideas of perfection. Perfect house. Perfectly folded laundry. Perfectly behaved children. This picture, taken on mother's day, fits me so well right now. We tried to get them all to look at the camera. And this is what we ended up with.

There's so much in this picture I would have changed six months ago. Kids would be sitting nicely. My hair would be done differently. My husband took the photo and it's way over exposed, I probably wouldn't have even edited it because it would have taken too long to fix. I hate the background. My kids outfits are too different. And I would edit my double chin in a heart beat!

But for now, for this season, this photo is everything to me. My loves. My children. My hardwork. My body that gave birth to four kids. The fact that though their clothes didn't match perfectly, they were clean. We're out of the house. They're happy. Life is good.