Lately

Lately I've avoided this space because of it's ability to draw realness out of me that I'd rather keep buried. I do not have a perfect life, and though it's tempting to put that mask on, especially here, I can't. It isn't me, and it benefits no one.

Life has been busy. So busy I've fallen behind on my CBS Bible study, quiet times and gratitude journal. We haven't been reading the Bible to our kids each night and I've skipped our Bible memory work during school all too often. Our girls are busy. Dance twice a week, softball twice a week and girl scouts every other week, softball games and Pinocchio rehearsals...it's a lot. The boys are dragged around to their sister's activities and sometimes Sheppy doesn't get to nap. Shepherd has had Dr. appts lately that we both want to be at, so we bring all four kids.

Shepherd had another appointment with his pediatric ophthalmologist and I'm reeling from it. There was nothing good said at the appointment and though I keep reminding myself that there are so many little ones who suffer from things so much more serious than what he's dealing with, I can't help but weep and ache for his trials. It feels like somebody kicked me in the stomach and walked away.

We still have broken, messy relationships with family. Some days this feels like our new normal, not like a situation that will be mended and right eventually. This makes me sad. My kids barely have any extended family and then to be at odds with the family they do have is really hard. We've put up walls and boundaries in order to protect them, which was absolutely the right decision for us, but it still makes it hard and hurtful. I wish we could turn time back and re-do many many decisions.

Next week we stand before our church and dedicate our boys to the Lord. We'll commit to raise them in a way that honors the Lord, and encourage them in their relationships with the Jesus. We'll have some dear friends who are like family there to celebrate with us. But part of me is brokenhearted that we won't have any actual family there at all. This was never how I saw myself raising kids, but it's the road we're on, and we're determined to do whatever we can to keep our kids from noticing those holes that stare us in the face every day.


Tomorrow will be one year since my dear friend, mentor and softball coach went to be with Jesus, at too young of an age. Not a day has passed that I haven't missed him terribly. He never met our Shepherd, but I know he would have loved him. He'd listen to all that we're going through and give me a big hug that would provide more comfort than any words could. He'd make me laugh and after our time together the world would seem a safer, more beautiful place. He was that kind of person that everyone wanted to be around.

So this year, for her first softball season, my Ava girl will wear his old baseball number. And I'll get teary eyed watching her at every practice, remembering the thousands of afternoons I spent doing the same thing. And missing him.

Through all the hard and yuck and sadness I've felt lately these little ones have been such a joy, such a complete blessing from Jesus.