September

I've been a very lazy blogger. My sincerest apologies. I've had blogs written in my head, but haven't been able to put them on paper (or computer!). I don't know where to start!

I can't believe it's September 8. Seriously, where did the last few months go?? When did life get set on super-speed??

Today was our first MOPS meeting and we played a fun get-to-know-you game where our meeting coordinator asked a question to the group and we answered it in pairs. The question was "would you rather fast forward time, or go back in time?". A very tough one!! I used to want to fast forward time. When Chloe was a baby I remember thinking how I couldn't wait until she could do such and such. Each milestone was so thrilling, but looking back, I missed out on fun stuff, always looking ahead to the next thing. Since then, I've been oh so careful not to do that. I try to enjoy each day, no matter the circumstances. Sure, stuff's hard, but isn't that what life is, and will always be? It's the ups and downs that makes us grow, right?

I thought, answering the question, about the freedom I felt in college and how nice it would be to have that again. Carefree(ish) days, my biggest worry was writing a paper! (Which I would do at 2 a.m. right before it was due, with my best friends surrounding me! Such fun!)

And I thought about our situation now. Our situation we've been in since May, trying to be content where we are, but pleading with God to change our circumstances. The excitement of the blessing of a house, the excitement of the blessing of a baby. The shock that we could lose the house, and more confirmation today that we're headed in that direction. The dread I feel everytime I have to come home to my empty rental house, the sweating and rapid heartbeat I have thinking about the day we came home and everything changed. The feelings of betrayal, fear and violation as what happened sank in.

I just want out. I want to start over, fresh. I don't want to bring a baby to this house. I hate the 30 minute drive to our church, instead of the 7 minute drive we had. Neighbors we don't trust. Being unsettled, living out of boxes (still). Mostly the hopes and dreams we had already formed about the new house, a splendid fall ahead for us!

I just want someone to wake me up when this is over, let me know how everything turned out.

Once again, the cry of my heart: "From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint. Lead me to a rock that is higher than I." Psalm 62:1