My Road to Gentle Parenting pt. 1

This post is written to document a huge way the Lord has worked in my life, not to condemn or judge others that have taken a different road.

I started off parenting with a lot of pride. I didn't even know it was an issue, but looking back, it was. I was determined to raise respectful, obedient, Christian children. Determined. I had no real example of what that would look like, especially the Christian part, but I figured I needed to show my child who was in charge from early on. Which meant flicking my baby's mouth when she bit me while nursing. And squeezing her little hand when she was crawling and exploring and touched something she shouldn't. I believed that letting her play with the remote would teach her that adult things were her playground and she was welcome to it, so we said over and over "remote no touch" which she soon learned to repeat as " moch no touch!!!" in a very stern voice.

Writing these things down right now makes my heart hurt. Maybe all of this sounds fine, even like good parenting to you, but I know my heart was not in the right place. I wanted control. I wanted to look like a good parent.

I've thought about how my parenting started a lot over the past few years. I wanted to look like I had it all together. I followed a strict Babywise schedule. I took that good ole' Bible verse about the rod and spread it's "message" to all my Christian girlfriends who started having babies. What? You're not going to spank?? Why not? It's Biblical!! How else will you discipline your child and make them obey you?! I'd say this with an appalled voice and a prideful spirit. Yuck.

My daughter was already a rule following, people pleasing kid by the time she was two. She was very well behaved. But when she acted up, which was pretty rare, I didn't hesitate to spank her. We even had a specially designated plastic spoon we nicknamed the "spank-atula". I remember once we had a playdate with some friends from Mops. This mommy did not believe in spanking, and I was appalled at that. My two year old was having trouble sharing and I did not hesitate to take her into her room, away from her friends, and spank her bottom. The other mommy packed up her kids and left, and I didn't hear from her again. I just didn't get why this mommy didn't spank her kids! They NEEDED to know that you obey your parent the FIRST time you're asked. Right?

I've often said in the past few years that I wished I'd read more up on child development when I had my first daughter. I wish I'd been told that certain behaviors are developmentally appropriate. I knew these things, kinda, but I wish I'd really really known. I did a lot of parenting and "discipline" out of fear back then. Fear that my kid wasn't normal, fear that I was ruining her, fear that she'd be a brat. That is not a good place to be as a parent.

After my second daughter was born I suffered from post partum depression. She was not in my "plan" and I felt guilty that my older daughter's babyhood was being taken away. I didn't realize how great a gift from God these precious girls were. I never struggled with wanting to harm myself or my babies in that stage of depression but instead felt rage all through my body at the slightest provocation. I realized then I could not spank my kids without anger. Which didn't mean that it never happened, spanking out of anger, but I knew I couldn't be in control of my actions 100% of the time. Sure, I'd calmly explain to my daughter why she was getting spanked, administer the number of swats that matched her age, and pray with her afterwards. But all throughout I was angry.

How dare she disobey!? Didn't she know I was her mother, God put me in charge of raising her?! I took it was a personal insult. My pride was hurt. I wanted to raise a good, Christian child and she, obviously, was not on board with this plan! (Nevermind that she was a small child. Didn't she understand?)

There was so much yucky pride all over my parenting. I desperately loved my children, do not misunderstand that. I was not trying to hurt them in any way at all. Please don't misunderstand me. I just did not get it. How else do you make a child obey?! I pondered this so much. I truly believed that a negative behavior, combined with a sting to the bottom, would remind my daughter to not repeat that behavior. It would teach her that Mommy's rules are the law and she shouldn't ever try and question them.

I never took into consideration that spanking was not an effective discipline for every child. Until my second daughter was a few years old. When she acted up and we spanked her, she got even more angry. I didn't get it. I was exhausted, mentally and emotionally, trying to discipline this child. I would go to bed so heartbroken over how our days went. Sobbing and praying to Jesus that I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to spank her! I truly didn't, because I knew it had no affect on her behavior other than making her more angry. She was very different than my people-pleasing first born and I didn't know what to do. There were countless nights of me crying to my husband that there has to be another way, and I'd get out of bed, go into her room and wake her up, asking for her forgiveness for our messy, yucky day.

to be continued....