It was 95 degrees when we left our house, and it was 65 degrees as we pulled up at the beach. Bummer for us since the girls were only wearing their swimsuits, sweet Silas was just in a onesie and in an effort to lighten our load I didn't bring any other clothes. Once we unloaded and Hubs went and parked the car the girls quickly forgot about the chilly weather and overcast skies. Chloe found her friend, a sweet high school girl that loves on my kids, and Ava found her love for icy cold ocean water! The girl would not get out of the surf! Thankfully, since I hate ocean water no matter the temp, our friends' junior high age daughter volunteered to splash around with Ava. We finally got the girls up to the sand and ready to watch the baptisms that were starting. And of course they're both freezing and starting to meltdown.
I wrapped them both in a towel, which was a bit like watching a three legged race. Chloe enjoyed watching the baptisms but it was so loud that we couldn't hear much. Once the baptisms ended everyone from our church pretty much packed up and left. We had only just gotten there so we stayed a bit longer. Throughout the time we were there another church group was assembling next to us on the sand. They were setting up tables, barbequeing food and a group had begun to assemble. I have to confess here that as I saw the kind of people gathering my mind immediately went to the bag on my chair with my phone, camera and wallet in it. Gross, huh? I repeatedly told Andrew to keep an eye on our stuff. I felt protective of my kids and kept a sharper eye on them. Our crowd had dwindled to only a few other people and so we decided it was time for us to leave, it was getting later and this beach isn't in the best area to be in after dark. Andrew went up to get the car and my kids (and I) started to lose it. Silas had a blowout (but I didn't want to change him on the sand), Ava had to pee and Chloe was still crying because we told her she couldn't bring a 5 gallon bucket full of sand and rocks home.
The group behind us had finished their meal and a large Samoan man had taken to their "pulpit" and was beginning to preach. My heart and ears were drawn to what he was saying as my children were melting down before my eyes. I was trying to keep them quiet, and not with the best attitude and motherly heart either, at the same time I was trying to listen to the preacher behind me. A Christian mom not acting like Jesus to my kids, but yearning for Jesus in my soul. Some of the people gathered at this church service on the beach did not look or act like us. There were old hippie men, dreadlocked women, smokers, bikers, homeless, disabled...the list could go on. They sat listening to this preacher who drew a pretty large crowd. He preached about how our heart is wicked without Jesus and the love of God to send his son to the cross, for us, for them, and for me. I wish I could convey the total suckiness of my attitude, in contrast with my yearning for Jesus at this moment. I desperately wanted to appear like I had it all together to the people at my church, and my kids didn't cooperate, while at the same time this preacher had a very "come as you are approach" that excited my heart.
One of Ava's Sunday school teachers approached us mid-meltdown and helped me by distracting her from her bursting bladder, stopping her tantrum mid-scream. One of our pastor's wives helped me carry our tremendous load of junk to our car once Andrew pulled down to the sand. My frustrated, overwhelmed heart was ministered to tremendously, and I was humbled. These two people saw me as I really was, frustrated by my kids and pridefully trying to appear like I had it all together, and were Jesus to me in that moment.
The preacher behind me was loving on these gathered people in a tangible way through a free meal, and then feeding their souls, and it was evident that these souls were starving. As mine is. I get so caught up in mothering, in the stage of life that I'm in, in the desperation that naturally comes with having three little ones under the age of four that I forget about the desperation these people have. I beg Jesus for naptime, these people beg Jesus for forgiveness, for their next meal, for Him to quench their thirsty souls. I carry a prideful attitude of a middle class, educated mom trying to raise her Christian family and dress her kids in the latest styles. And it's embarassing. It struck me last night that I forgot about this Jesus. The one who meets you where you are, in the gutters or on the streets. Here I am trying to teach my kids about Christ's love and fogiveness but I'm uncomfortable being around these people gathered behind us, and I have a prideful heart and spirit towards my own church family. I can't even truly show them the love of God because of my own hypocricy.
I was ministered to last night in ways that were seemingly small but they bring me to tears this morning. And I weep over the state of my own soul. What the heck happened to my own deep, passionate relationship with my Savior? The relationship I try to encourage in my daughter is no where to be found in my own heart. Instead there is pride. Lot's of pride and selfishness. I so want that relationship back. I want to see others who are not like me and love them like Jesus, instead of worrying about my stuff. I want to be real with those I see at church on Sundays. I want an authentic "love 'em like Jesus would" attitude that transcends relationship, station in life and outward appearance.
Where to go from here? I don't know. I don't even know how to wrap up this post in a nice, "ribbon on top" kind of way. That's the prideful blogger in me. So I leave it as it. This is where my heart is at. I don't yet know how to "fix" this, I guess there is no instant fix anyways. I just know I want authenticity and realness in my life and I know the place to start is on my knees. I'm even hesitating as I post this because I know once I do anyone who reads it will see past the facade that's so easy to create here. Here I go, it's said and it's done.
WOW!!! I loved this post so much!!!!!! Thank you I needed to hear it too:) Your an awesome writer and such an amazing woman, mother, wife and friend!!!!
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