You see, when someone picks on your kid, it brings out a lot of ugly. Ugly crying. Ugly frustration with mean little girls. Ugly memories of when you were a mean girl yourself. Just ugly. Having your daughter be fearful of going to school the one day she actually goes stinks. Wanting to keep her home, safe, forever...but knowing that's not the best thing for her, stinks. Hopefully, an email to her teacher and a strict warning to stay away from the mean girl will keep my girl from being picked on anymore. If not, well, then I don't know what to do.
I was not a nice mommy this week. Pregnancy does not bring out the best in me. In fact, I'm reminded how much happier and more comfortable I am with a newborn than during pregnancy. Twice this week sweet Ava asked me if I was still going to be a grouchy mommy in the morning. I hate these weeks when you just can't shake the funk you're stuck in. I can't do anything about the sciatica pain, or only sleeping four hours a night, or the heartburn, or the racing heart and difficulty breathing (sidetrack: this has gotten really frustrating, not having an answer/solution to a racing heart other than "stress". I'm way over this.) but I can be a nicer mommy. I beg Jesus to take the yuck away and give me joy with my children. To help me look past the lime green yogurt that was spilled on my new zebra stripe rug, to look past the 9 loads of laundry awaiting me, to give me patience in dealing with a whiny toddler and a second grader struggling with a good attitude (wonder who she gets that from?). Sometimes I hear the way my kids speak to each other, it's not a nice way, and completely hear myself and my own impatient and not-so-gentle words and it makes me sick to my stomach. I pray they forget weeks like this. I look in the mirror and see yesterday's failures in mothering weighing me down. Will I ever get it right??
I'm trying to look ahead and let go of these things. Praying the next 10 weeks of pregnancy are speedy and gentle.
Oh Lisa, I wish I could just hug you. And then I would sit you down with a good book and cup of hot chocolate and I would do all your laundry for you. I really would! I would even iron! Because I remember. I remember and it still haunts me. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and tired and grouchy and mean.
ReplyDeleteBut they don't. They remember the hugs and kisses and you reading to them. They might remember today and tomorrow, but they will not be up losing sleep over it when they are 25. It is very evident your children are loved and well taken care of and that you really are doing a good job with them.
Now, that does not mean there may not need to be some repenting and confessing in order. You saying you are sorry, that you messed up and said ugly things, and ask their forgiveness might make a huge impact on your girls. Tell them how much you realize you need Jesus and that you are praying that God will change you. (Aside-don't get too detailed with them-my children started to use this scenario against me-the clever little things) Be the mom and have authority, but hug and cuddle and maybe even take a nap together.
You can do this! You are growing a sweet baby and that is some hard work. Take it easy on yourself. You know these things-now do them! :)
There, an older, I don't know about wiser though, woman telling you what you need to do :)
thanks for your honesty...seriously...we've all been there. It doesn't make it right, it just makes us understand each other as mommas. i'm praying for you...praying for an awesome week and fantastic weekend.
ReplyDeleteYou make me feel better about all my failures. It makes me feel like I can have hope in my failures and rest on his strength.
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