I began crying out to God and seeking a different way. I didn't know what that way would look like but I needed something quickly. We had added a third child to our family and I was trying to navigate being completely outnumbered, our first year of homeschooling and our third baby being a boy!
Two things began to become clear to me: I needed to connect with my middle daughter in a better way. I needed to communicate better with them and teach them to communicate better with me. I have to confess, sometimes this was super inconvenient. Seriously. Sending my daughter to her room and letting her scream it out was much easier than sitting in her room with her, waiting until she was ready to be held (establishing that connection) and talking through whatever upset her in the first place.
Teaching my kids to communicate with me involved a lot of apologizing (on my part), a lot of me examining my own sinful behavior and seeing how my daughters imitate what I've shown them. A lot of pride swallowing.
But focusing on communication and connection, with all three of our kids, even our new baby, had radically changed the way I view my kids, our family, our relationships with God and the blessing he's given us in children.
One important thing I read somewhere, that's really stuck with me, was regarding our children's repeated misbehavior. I remember saying to my husband "when are they going to get it?! I've been teaching them not to (insert behavior here) for (insert amt of time here)! I am so frustrated!". But really...when have I stopped sinning? When have I stopped (insert sinful behavior here)?? God's been teaching me not to (insert sinful behavior here) for (insert amt of time here)! When was I finally going to get it?!
Back to part one where I felt like I needed to understand childhood behavior better....so much of what we were spanking for was simply childish behavior. Normal childhood behavior. Temper tantrums. Touching things they weren't supposed to. Exploring beyond their given boundaries. Talking back. Things I was spanking for! So, I thought, how am I going to stop these behaviors?! My kids have to learn to respect me, and they have to be safe, and they have to understand that the world does not revolve around them.
I've found that connection with my kids, even in the ugly moments when they are the least lovable, is the most effective way to discourage unwanted and unsafe behavior. I wish I could make that last sentence even bolder. If I'm connected with my son, while we're playing outside, and he begins to stray into a neighbor's yard (where he's not supposed to go) it takes very limited verbal correction to steer him back to where he belongs. If I'm not connected I'll probably yell from the chair I'm comfy in for him to get out of the neighbor's yard. Which he may or may not listen to. But establishing that connection by going over to where he is, looking at what has drawn him out of the established boundary and acknowledging his curiosity, then reminding him of the boundary, again acknowledging his desire to see/touch whatever he's drawn to really validates to him that yes, exploring is fun! yes, that's cool! yes, you are interested! let's find something similar in our own yard! let's see if we can find that same thing on a walk around the block!
I've battled the kid who doesn't respond to these things by offering choices. You can choose to disobey and stay here and mama will have to take you inside for a while. Or, you can choose to go on that walk around the block and we can look for that same cool thing! For my son, the answer 99% of the time is to take that walk around the block.
Sometimes the connection and communication is inconvenient, yes. Sometimes it's embarrassing (screaming in public!). But it goes back to the issue of pride, for me. Is my desire to look like a good mom hurting my kid right now as I squelch her need to communicate? Would I rather sit in my comfy chair than take a walk around the block when it's 95 degrees outside? Of course! But what's going to help my son learn to communicate and obey and make good choices??
Gentle parenting is sooo much more than not spanking your kids. I'm learning that as I travel this road. I could write so much more on all of this, but hear my heart here: there's another way, besides spanking. You can choose a different path. You do not have to be stuck in a cycle of discipline that's not working! Yes, it will probably feel uncomfortable and kids will test your limits and you will probably slip up. Here's what's helped me: I've been super honest with my girls regarding our shift in parenting. I told them we were done with spankings for good. That keeps me honest in the matter. They know, beyond a doubt, that I will not hurt them. And even when I feel that anger rising and hear the yucky pride taunting me I can't do it, because I told them I would not. My son, he's three and he's never been spanked. My baby, 6 months, will never be spanked. We've taken a different road, a road absolutely consumed by God's grace, and we will set a new path for our family.
resources for Gentle Parenting:
Little Hearts Books
Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel
Real Child Development
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